my goddamn birthday

Yesterday I turned 35....

woo.

Honestly though, I'd rather be turning 35 than 25- or any birthday in my 20's, for that matter. Not that my twenties were ALL bad, and my 30's certainly haven't been all good... but I still wouldn't want to go back and be 25 again just for the sake of being younger.

It's nuts because as insecure as I am now (and in a lot of ways, I'm actually more insecure than I was), aging has somehow, inexplicably, also made me feel bold in strange ways. In my 20's I might have pretended it didn't bother me if someone thought I was strange, but now I genuinely and truly do not give a flying fuck. I have, as they say, faked it until I... maked... it. Make fun of my Dr. Who shirt? Gooooo fuck yourself. I'm 35 maybe I shouldn't have silly t shirts or Totoro bags? Tough shit. I worry -more now than ever about how people view my character, my intelligence, my ideas... but if you think I should dress a certain way, or you think something I like is stupid?
Get.
Bent.

And- it's not like I worry any less about how I look- quite the opposite. It's just that as I've gotten older I've realized 2 things.
1- E V E R Y one worries about what they look like. Literally everyone and they are lying if they say they don't. So it doesn't make sense to wish to be someone else, because you might be tall and thin as someone else, but now you have to think about how you don't have a "good" butt. Or maybe you give up worrying about zits and now you have to worry about facial hair... it's ALWAYS. Going to be SOMETHING. But there's good news!

2- No one notices 95% of the "bad" things you see/feel about yourself. It's why you can go to work feeling hideous and be completely baffled by someone telling you that you look cute.... I'm sorry what?? You think I look cute?? Are you crazy?? Are we looking at the same person?
No.
You're literally not.
And that might not change how you feel about yourself (it doesn't change my opinions of my appearance) but it is still a tiny bit freeing in a way.

So what have we learned today, class? That I'm bonkers and always will be bonkers, but my mental illness has grown with me. This is a good and bad thing... because it doesn't always grow in positive ways. But some of the changes are good, and I'm choosing to give myself a little credit for that and TRY (and sometimes, okay often, fail at) giving myself a break for the areas that aren't doing as well.

MOVING ON.

Yesterday I got a text message from my father-in-law. The conversation went a little something like this:

FIL: Whats. Up. U working
FIL: How. Is your. Doggie

ME: Nope- my boss gives us our birthday off! 

He's doing a little better today, thanks for asking.

How are you doing?

FIL: I.m getting better still doin 

physical. Therapy for my 

shoulder. Heart. Is ok.

FIL: They put me on a heart monitor for.

A day n. Did a. Suana gram

FIL: U hear. What happened to me 

when. I. Dog sat. Those 4. Dogs

ME: One died??

FIL: Yes

FIL: The day. After

FIL: I. Left

FIL: It. Was a chiquawa. 17. N it was deaf. It going blind.

FIL: Well. Take care tell. Robert. Hi.

FIL: Dash too

ME: 17? Wow, that's a nice long life!

Thanks! Talk to you soon- love you!

Okay first of all, let's all promise that from now on we will ALWAYS spell chihuahua CHIQUAWA. PLEASE. It's the best thing maybe ever. 

But there are questions that you have... and I have them too.

What's with all the periods? Why are there no question marks? Does his phone not have spell check? And if it does how do I ensure that he never uses it so I continue to get these choppy, creatively spelled masterpieces?!

And finally...

:

I think I mentioned my dog had a corneal transplant the other day. They take the cornea of a cadaver (read: a dead dog) and grafted it onto Dash's eye in an attempt to save the eye and his vision. Which is insane.

I mean... this is like, some frank-n-doggie shit right here. You just grab an eyeball from a dead dog, snip, snip here, suture suture there.... presto change-o you have a new cornea! You have to wonder what kind of dog the other cornea came from! Is he seeing the world through a female dogs' eye? Will he suddenly care more about gender equality? Or was it the eye of a bad dog and now he's going to have a naughty streak in him? Only time will tell if it will change his personality.... and time will also tell his if the surgery was successful or not.
Here he is today:

As you can see- things look a bit weird. I assume this is normal since he just had a major operation on Friday... but every time he blinks I KNOW the graft is failing and it's all going to have been for nothing. Maybe I need a corneal transplant from someone who looks on the bright side more often than I do!

If you are interested in a close up of his eyeball... you're in luck! I have a cool shot. But those of the faint of heart should get ready to skip.
Are you ready?
Are you going to skip it?
Okay skip......
NOW


Crazy, right? Those tiny sutures in his eye are the thickness of a human hair. Fingers crossed that the recheck appointment on Thursday goes well.


If you had told me 3 weeks ago that over the last 10 days that Dash would have surgery to remove a mast cell tumor AND a corneal transplant I would have said you're nuts! But Dash constantly finds new ways to surprise us and keep us on our toes. He's the sweetest little boy, so whatever he needs, he's going to get.... I just hope that we get a little breathing room before the next one!

In conclusion- I am 35. I am not bothered by the age in like a OMG I'm getting older I need a face lift way (though I wouldn't turn down a face lift either.) I just wish I had more cool things under my belt is all. Still self conscious, still not happy with how I look but bothered about it and by it in different way... and with a little more understanding/knowledge that literally EVERYONE has something they don't like. I worry what people think of me, but in a more academic way... I don't care if you think the things I like are stupid. But if you think I'M stupid??? There's not enough ativan in the world to deal with that.

Ive also learned that age you thought you would get to and be a put together adult? Doesn't exist. And even the most normal, put together looking person is straight up crazy. And that is comforting.
Also don't forget we've all agreed to spell it chiquawa, and my dog is a medical mutant who is hopefully on a break from his month of new health issues.

Meeting adjourned!                                                                                                                                                                                      

an introduction of sorts

Hi this is me:

I would categorize myself as: Kind of cute when photographed at the perfect angle. I try very hard not to let the angles that don't make me look cute consume my thoughts, but they often do. At age almost 35 this makes me sad. I'm working on it.

There are lots of things that I have very strong opinions about. For example:

Women's rights

LGBTQ rights

Animal welfare rights

On these, and, let's face it, several other issues- if you try to say to me "there are two sides to every coin." I will tell you:

Yes. Yes there are. There is a right side

And a wrong side- GET ON MY LEVEL.

This political election is going to make my brain ooze out of my head until there is nothing left. At that point I will be indistinguishable from a Donald Trump supporter.

Now, in the past I might have done my best to design an articulated, well thought out defense of my rabid anti-trump-ism. Instead, let me sum it up quickly for you so we can move on....

FUCK. TRUMP. 

No really.
I can NOT believe he is the presumptive republican nominee. He brought the level of discourse in the repub's debate down from the already low level of fuck the poor, fuck the rights, feeling and health of a pregnant woman, fuck your right to get married and fuck climate change DOWN (if you can believe it) to "I've got a big dick" and "let's kill people who are different from us." DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO? He's a bully and a liar and if he wins the general election this country will deteriorate into a shit hole with TRUMP stamped in faux gold leafing all over every sign in the land. 

So, no, I've decided I don't care if I don't come across as nuanced in my disdain. He's a vile slime ball and he can fuck directly off. The end. See me after class for extra credit.

Now, more about me. I've been married for 10 years. If you know me or are my age and have been married for the same amount of time, you are likely also shitting your pants like I am. Where did this time go? Were we literal infants at our ceremony? Was my dog cuter than me at my own wedding?

 

Answer: YES. LOOK AT HIS SMILE. 

This dog kills me on a daily basis. He died unexpectedly in 2013 right before Thanksgiving. I am not managing it well, even today. I feel numb and empty most days. Not for the entire day like things were right after we lost him, but it's still there. I am changed and don't think I'll ever be the same.

Thankfully I have this guy:

This is my Dashy. He's just turned 10 this year and he is my little shadow. And I don't just mean he follows me around. I mean he has to come everywhere I go or he screams like a howler monkey... more on that later. He is not aging gracefully and I worry about him a lot. I know it drives people crazy but I can't help it. He's had 2 surgeries within the past 10 days (OMG) and 2 years ago he had back surgery twice within a 1 month period. Frenchies- making people wish they'd signed up for pet insurance since the instant these little mutants were created. Seriously. If you think you want a French Bulldog- think again. They are amazing. Really, really amazing little dogs... but also come with a laundry list of EXPENSIVE (recent CORNEAL TRANSPLANT was 2,500$...UGH) and PAINFUL medical maladies. It's hard to watch a dog you love suffer through major operations and congenital issues. Even from the most reputable breeder, they just aren't built right by design so they are almost always destined for lots of problems. Though if you're wealthy... consider adopting a bunch and/or donating to rescue organizations. They deserve to get patched up and live happy lives. 

I'm also thankful to have this guy:

Husband Roberto. He's mostly a nice boy. But does things like sets his alarm for 5:30 when he has no intention of getting up before 7:30. The result of this is that I am awake at 5:30, cursing his life, and the life of the person who invented the snooze button. He works really hard, supports me and my craziness and is funny and cute and thoughtful.... so.... I'm still cranky about the alarm... but I guess I'll keep him.

Besides my dog and husband I enjoy:

Doctor Who- my love seen here via permanent etching on my body. It's my favorite show. It speaks to me in so many ways and you can bet your lily white ASS I'm going to talk a lot about it! This is just an overview! ADDITIONAL EXCLAMATION POINTS FOR EMPHASIS!!!!

Photographing dead people/headstones/cemeteries. I find great peace in the process. 

My nephews- not pictured here because- CREEPY PEOPLE EXIST ON THE INTERWEBS.
So no, I will not post pictures of my angel babies. They are 7, 2 and almost 2. They are the tiny little loves of my life and I want to eat them up. AND? My cousin is about to add 2 identical twin girls into the mix of kiddos in my life- OMGWILLIEVENBEABLETOSURVIVETHECUTENESS?

My family and friends, who are generally rad to a high degree.
I have a big family with lots of kookiness and big personalities. They make me laugh, cry and drive me nuts but I seriously love them a lot.
I'm kind of borderline hermit-ish and don't see my friends on a regular basis, but they are fantastic and I THINK about them a lot, even though I'm not good at making plans/attending events. Basically I'm an asshole. Anxiety- making me an asshole since like 2000-ish. 

Knitting and crafting which both gives me joy and drives me crazy. HOW do you crochet?? How do you make such perfect little stitches?? Why are your crafts Pinterest Perfect and mine are Pinterest Fails?!?! Though my imperfect crafting drives me bananas, I also love it and have a rad little craft area that I love to look at almost as much as I love working in it.

So, what am I doing here?
I don't know.
Trying to document the goings on of my life, discuss topics I feel need to discussed, share crafting fails, draw stupid things and just be weird sort of generally. I had a blog a few years ago that I really dedicated myself to and posted almost every day. It was fun to get some things off my chest and I even met a few cool people in the process.

SO, yeah.

THE END.