2017- the year of bravery and therapy and drugs, oh my!

So, I think we can agree- 2016 was a dumpster fire, inside a coal factory fire inside a nuclear reactor.... that was also on fire.

Some of my very favorite people on earth left- David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Prince, Gene Wilder, Carrie Fisher.... just to name a few. Even worse- my husband also left, which of course is the hardest loss of all. He left without warning, without even the consideration of therapy and things have gone from bad to worse. Every time I think this is the bottom... the bottom falls out again and there I am, further down the rabbit hole.

I'm not saying I've been perfect. Far from it. And I'm not going to get into all the specifics because they don't matter. Not for someone reading this, and not even, really, for me. I haven't been given much information or much of an explanation and I desperately want it. But in the end, this is happening regardless. So I will continue to advocate for myself and ask the questions I want to ask and insist upon fairness, regardless of the brick wall I may meet. And I will treat this as I have treated the other losses of the year. As a sad, untimely death. The death of a relationship that wasn't perfect but was really, really good in so many ways. The death of a friendship, the death of my favorite person... a person I am now not sure exists.

I have spent the end of 2016 not sleeping, not eating and being consumed by fear, guilt, feelings of failure and inadequacy and horrible grief. I started out from a rough spot- deeply depressed, lacking even a hint of self confidence and feeling like a fat, old boring waste of space. So my jumping off point for this devastating life change was, not to put to fine a point on it, FUCKING TERRIBLE.

Despite this, I plan to endure.
I will go to work. I will go to therapy and take my medicine. I will spend time with people who care about me (and try not to worry that maybe they don't actually like me but they're just saying they do). I will spoil my dog rotten. I will try to remember that even though I am a work in progress I am lovable as is RIGHT NOW. All my imperfections and eccentricities do not exclude me from being loved. And when I am able to improve upon myself it will just make me more lovable. I will strive to leave the past in the past and not fear the unknown future. I will go explore new beaches. I will take a long overdue trip to Salem. I will find a dog friendly hotel somewhere up north and spend a weekend ordering room service, reading, writing, snuggling my dog and finding a little place to hike and explore. I will find a way to somehow thank the people who have helped me in this daunting, seemingly unsurvivable process. I will be ok. Broken, picking up pieces, nursing wounds, really, really sad and really, really scared..... but I will be ok. And I won't hope for 2017 to be better, but I will actively seek to make it so! (Yes, that is a star trek reference. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?)

This little guy needs me. I won't let him down.

Forward. Bravely.

jess