Maybe it's post inauguration dread (though seeing the people march the next day was inspiring) mixing with the overwhelming heartache of this unfathomable situation. I've really struggled not to pick up my phone over the past few months to call and beg/demand/plead/ask/insist/ for a chance/answers/truth etc. You haven't had any second thoughts, you don't have anything you want to say, you don't ever want to see me- you're just going to go?
Maybe it's because I'm starting to pack, preparing for my 18th move, the move I didn't want to make until I died. And maybe it's because as I'm packing I'm finding anniversary cards, pictures, presents.... all professing love, all expressing happiness and contentment. What a nice life we have together.
Had.
Maybe it's because I find these things and my heart breaks all over and the questions come rushing in... and he's not there for me to ask. And even when he is, he won't answer. But how do I walk away without asking these questions, without the answers- good or bad? How will I ever get a full night sleep not knowing?
I've been told that this is more about him than it is about me- but WHAT ABOUT HIM? I don't get the answer to even the most basic questions- Who have you become? What changed so drastically that there was no room in your mind to even consider trying to fix it? When did this happen? Where did we go wrong? How can you do this?
Not EASY questions- but basic. Questions anyone in my situation would have, I think. But I don't get to ask. So I sit in this house that we bought together and look at the pictures and sort through the shit on my own.
And yes, I should turn my thoughts inward. Focus on myself. Work through my own issues. And I am.
Mostly.
But how on earth am I supposed to do this and not wonder?
How do I heal from this without closure?
3 years ago our dog died in an emergency room in the wee hours of the morning and we weren't there with him. He was so sweet, but so naughty and having him wasn't always easy but he was ours and we loved him. But the relationship wasn't perfect. He frustrated me and made me angry, I felt guilty for my role in his behavior issues. I felt guilty for thinking that he was a burden. I felt tired of all the extra work. But I loved him anyway. And when he died and I couldn't be there it just made all the emotions around that imperfect relationship worse. If only I hadn't done this, if only I had worked with a trainer, if I'd taken better care of him maybe he wouldn't have needed the operation... did he know I loved him? Did he think I had dumped him at that hospital and was never coming back? All the horrible questions in my head- that will NEVER be answered- just made his death that much harder to deal with.
There are so many parallels with this situation it is making me sick. November spawned a monster, indeed.
I find myself saying that things aren't fair (a lot) lately. It's funny because two of my favorites (who both died last year within a week of each other- FUCK YOU, 2016!) have lines about this very subject:
So fine. Life isn't fair. But does that mean I shouldn't ask? That I can't try?
It reminds me of everyone saying Trump won and we should just get over it. Why? Why should I just accept that this orange monster is president because of the wonkiness that is the electoral college... and AAAALSO Russian intervention? And also racism, and bigotry, and homophobia and the support of white. goddamn. supremacists. For fuck's sake. No, this is not like that one (ok 2) time(s) when Obama got elected and "We just dealt with it, so you need to deal with Trump.".... FIRST OF ALL- no you didn't. You called him a Muslim and said he wasn't born here and likened him to Hitler and blocked his attempts at legislation and questioned his legitimacy at every turn. And SECOND- even though you maybe didn't agree with his policies, and maybe you thought he was born in Kenya and maybe you think you're a little better than him because you're white (but you don't say that out loud so it doesn't count), you weren't afraid of him starting a nuclear war over a goddamn tweet. And THIRD- if you were just dealing with Obama against your better judgment? If he stood for all the things you're against and pulled your moral compass away from true north and you just quietly allowed that to happen without speaking your mind?
Shame. On. You.
I will not do that.
Do not go gentle into that good night, mother fuckers. I'm paraphrasing a bit here.
I'm also off topic.
My point is this- just because life isn't fair (I dare you not to say that like Snape), just because I'm not going to get what I want... that doesn't mean I have to sit back and just let it happen. I can ask for truth and transparency even if I might not get it. I can ask for equality even if the answer is no. And at the end of this marriage- I can ask why, how, when, where, who- even if I am met with silence. And though it is cold, cold comfort- in the end when all is said and done, at least I will walk away knowing I tried. Really tried.
And I will be ok. But what good is ok when the person you love doesn't want to be there with you?
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