Today I bought a DVD player and a desk.
I realized that when the condo is sold and I am on my own I would have a computer with no desk, and DVDs with nothing to play them with. There are lots of things like that- a left hand with no wedding rings, a you without a me.... it's a lot to deal with. So many things to think about, some of them so massive they will take WHO KNOWS HOW LONG to answer or reconcile. So today I've opted for a few of the easier things to solve. A desk for my computer where I will write and edit pictures. A DVD player to watch my favorite movies that I hope are still allowed to be my favorite movies. Which brings me to one of those big things.
Who am I? And of the things that make me who I am... if some of those things are things we did/loved together... am I still allowed them? Can I still love Disney? Can I still quote Labyrinth and go to Morrissey concerts? Or do I have to stop doing those things and liking those things? Because I don't want to stop. I feel they're still part of me. They're still things I love and pretending or denying that feels like giving up. Or that I'm pushing things away that might be too hard to deal with. We are separating. We're separating from each other, we're separating our belongings... why can't I also separate our mutual love of some things? Because I loved them before, and even if they were introduced during the relationship- I didn't just love them because of him.
What about friends? Will they pick sides? Do I have to? If one of us "likes" something first, is the other one not allowed to? He doesn't want to see my family... but will I never get a hilarious text from his dad again? And how do I help my family, who feels as abandoned as I do in some ways? It's hard not to make this all about me. I feel like I'm in panic mode, grasping for help and struggling to take care of my shattered pieces lest something get swept away in this god awful shit storm. But there are other people, other sets of emotions, other hearts involved in this mess. It's so sad.
Dr. Who says "When something goes missing, you can always recreate it by the hole it left." It's true in life and in social media. Blank spots on walls where new pictures will have to be hung, conversations on Facebook where 1/2 of the conversation is now missing because I've been blocked. The years of my life that were part of who I am that are turning into part of who I was. But if I delete those parts, I will have holes.... and holes aren't good. Holes are spaces for your soul and your happiness to leak out of. Cracks though... the little spots that stay open where holes have been patched up, those are ok. "There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." I MEAN, WHO AM I TO QUESTION LEONARD COHEN?
I am moving forward, but I am taking with me the people and places and things that I love. You can start anew without starting over. You can build a new house with a few old, reliable bricks in the mix. You can paint with new colors and some old favorites. I'm like a hermit crab... and not just because I like to stay in and am a cancer... but because they sort of prove my point. When their shell gets too small, they find a bigger one... but they don't stop being a hermit crab. They still eat... whatever hermit crabs eat and go.... wherever the hell hermit crabs go... and like whatever it is they liked before they got their fancy new shell and.... you know what? I'm going to stop this analogy because I really don't need to be comparing myself to weird little sea creatures. But I stand by the sentiment.
EVEN HERMIT CRABS WITH ALGAE GROWING ON THEM WHO HIDE IN THEIR SHELLS WHEN THEY ARE SCARED AND ALSO SOMETIMES PINCH PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE ANGRY MOVE FORWARD. And so will I.
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