does this tinfoil hat make my butt look big?

It's hard for me not to assume the worst, even in the best of times.

Now? Is not the best of times.

So it's especially challenging not to read negativity in all the tea leaves of life right now. If someone doesn't like my picture or comment on something I post, it's hard not to read into it. Sure, it could just be that they weren't on social media when I posted it and it got buried in their feed. But it could also be a silent indication of their feelings toward me. Maybe they're angry, maybe they don't like me anymore, maybe I've done something to offend them.... who knows. It just feels impossible not to assume the worst of every perceived action/inaction at the moment.

This isn't necessarily a new thing for me, but again, I'm hyper aware right now. I've got an extra tall tinfoil hat and I'm picking up signals loud and clear. The problem is I can't tell where the signal is coming from... the call could be, as they say, COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!

And part of it is I'm amped up and anxious about other things, as you might imagine. So rather than focus on what's really got me in knots, I think my brain is opting for less important (but still stressful) things to fret about in a piss poor attempt at self preservation. Hey brain... LESS IS MORE.

Though, I can't really blame my brain too much. I think anyone would feel at least a little out of sorts going through this kind of crisis. And it's just made more difficult by the fact that I feel like everything I do is wrong. When someone you love basically tells you that you're unbearable you begin to question your entire life. You feel like the things you like are wrong, your feelings are wrong, your opinions are wrong... that the things you believed are lies, that your fears are real and even admitting that feels wrong! Maybe I shouldn't be talking about it. Maybe talking about it makes me awful, proves their point, maybe my anxiety validates their narrative.

Then again? Nobody's perfect. And the thing about narratives is just like signals, they can get a little warped. There's all kinds of shit out there gumming up the system, twisting the truth, erasing the parts of the story to make it easier to swallow. And I don't want to play the victim or the villain. I'm not perfect, I'm so sorry, and I am a work in progress. But that doesn't make me a bad person. If someone isn't honest, how do you learn from your mistakes? If you don't share how you're feeling, how will people know what you need? I'm not a mind reader, and I can't expect others to be mind readers either.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I'm trying to remind myself of that to keep me from beating myself up too much about things from the past. Things I've done, things I didn't pick up on, things that are only starting to make sense. But also as a reminder than someday in the future (when all's well), I will look back on this time and understand more why it happened.

For now I will try to tune out the negative channels the radio in my head loves to play. It isn't easy to get the positive stations to come in clearly, and even when I hear them it's not always easy to believe... but I'm trying. On this dark and stormy night, hunkered down with my old pooch and the whirring of snow blowers, I will listen for the faint little whispers of positivity. And when I hear it, I will do my best to chase away the negative voice that tries to drowned it out. I will also knit and eat toast. And that's okay too.
Tomorrow Everest.... or... at least a holiday party.